Being the spawn of a newspaperman, my children have a natural curiosity about them.
This inquisitiveness used to get quite fervent at this time of year, Christmas season, when they were younger. It also peaked during the months prec eding Easter, and the summer, and generally, January through December.
They were particularly nosy about this Santa Claus character, his background, habits, health, educational resume’, family tree, and credit history, among other inquiries.
While I pretend to be an expert on most topics, I am the last to admit that I am not an expert on Santa Claus, although I have pretended to be when my children pose queries, and at dinner parties.
Getting reliable information on Santa was rather difficult. There was apparently a backlog of letters sent to him, and he is slow to respond to such questions. And when you call him, he has one of those horrible answering machines (“press 22 for Santa Claus’s personal secretary, press 32 for human resources,” etc.,etc.).
So, for the benefit of my readers with younger children, I have compiled the questions my children asked, and my inept responses. Feel free to use, at your own peril.
“Does Santa Claus have any children?”
I figure someone as jolly as St. Nick had to have children, so I naively responded with “Yes.”
Then came: “How many?” “Oh, a lot.”
“How many?” “Well, he has the same number of children as he does reindeer.”
“So he has nine.” “Yes,” I replied, having no idea how many reindeer pull his sleigh. “Nine.”
That was a mistake. “What are their names?” Urgh.
“Well,” I stumbled.
“There’s Santa Jr., his daughters Linda and Snowflake, and his other sons Kyle, Ricky, Donner, Blitzen, and Mark.”
“That’s only eight.” “Oh. His baby son’s name is Eric. Eric Claus.”
“How does Santa get down our chimney if he’s fat?”
(After looking up our chimney, which is about 16 inches wide at its widest point) “Oh, that’s easy,” I said. “Santa has a very flexible body. Right before he goes down a chimney, he just sucks in his belly.”
“Like when you put on your Sunday pants?,” my daughter responded.
“Yes,” I said, glaring. “And what was it that you wanted for Christmas?”
“How does Santa get all around the world in one night when it took us a whole day just to fly to Arkansas?”
“His sleigh has super- duper speed. It’s faster than any airplane,” I explained. “And he also takes advantage of the time changes around the world. When you are waking up and seeing your toys, it’s night in Austria and he’s still working, putting toys in houses for boys and girls there.”
“Where’s Austria?,” asked my geographically- challenged son.
“It’s on the other side of the world, son,” I explained with a pat on the head. “You know, where the kangaroos live.”
“How old is Santa Claus?” “Very old,” I said. “He’s been doing this for a long time.”
“How long?” “Well, at least 200 years or so.” “So, Santa Claus is 200 years old?”
“Yeah, I guess he is,” I replied. Big mistake.
My oldest then chimed in. “How can he be 200 years old and do all this in one night? You’re only 40 years old and get tired going to get the mail.”
“He’s got amazing energy, I guess, or maybe he’s a vampire and never gets old,” I said, glaring. “And what was it that you wanted for Christmas?”
• Len Robbins is the editor of The Clinch County News. He can be reached at lrobbins@clinchcounty news
