Hard to believe, but we're only about two months away from the 'holiday season.'
The holiday season, to most Americans, starts with Thanksgiving, goes through Christmas and all its yuletide joy, and ends with the Super Bowl.
Like many of you, I will be afforded a bit of free time this holiday season.
Unlike many of you, I will not spend this free time watching football and “Road House” over and over again. I’ve tried that before (years 1994- 2023) and found that it brought me nothing but joy .
No, this year, I have decided to use this precious free time constructively; on worthwhile projects I have long planned to do, but never allotted the time. My ambitious list of projects to tackle includes the following: 1. Clean out the bottom of my closet.
2. Organize the attic via the Dewey Decimal system.
3. Binge-watch these 'Big Momma's House' movies I've heard so much about.
4. Build a robot. Of this arduous slate, I am most looking forward to building a robot. Ever since I was a boy, and my father first ordered me to change the TV channels for him (pre-remote control, and post-remote control as well), I have dreamed of having my very own servant — someone to cater to my every need, do all the things I don’t want to do, and boss around.
I thought that maybe I was realizing my dream of having my own servant when I married 28 years ago, but quickly found out that my new wife shared my dream.
Then, I came up with the brilliant, original idea of creating my own servants by having children.
After creating three of them, I have discovered a couple of problems with this idea. First, children are infants for an incredibly long time. Our youngest son, for example, was two years old for nearly a decade. And even when they start to understand English, they are not legally eligible to drive a car or file tax returns or carry a firearm or pretend like they’re my lawyer — all tasks required of my assistant. Then, from what I understand, when they finally reach the age where they could be of productive use as my squire, they are legally allowed to do what they choose.
I hate laws. I have looked into other potential candidates for servitude — a butler would be too expensive; horses can’t type; dogs can’t talk; chimpanzees are, traditionally, not very good salesmen.
I finally concluded, after checking it out thoroughly, that creating my own robot is the easiest, least expensive, route to having my own subordinate — and it’s not illegal, in Georgia.
So, I plan to spend a couple of hours over the holidays building this robot to be my own personal flunky. It shouldn’t be too daunting a task. I’m not officially a scientologist, but I did make a B- in chemistry in high school.
I figure, if that ninny Dr. Smith on “Lost in Space” could make a robot back in the ‘60s, I certainly can make one with the technology we have now. And if any electrical work is involved, I’ll just get my wife to help (I’m not allowed to dabble with electricity, per city ordinance, after the ceiling fan incident of 2012).
The only detail I haven’t finalized is what to call my new subservient companion. I have narrowed it down to Jeeves, Mr. Belvedere or Rod.
• Len Robbins is the editor of The Clinch County News. He can be reached at lrobbins@clinchcounty news
