Scrolling the world-wide internet last week, I came across a name from the past.
Red Skelton was an American entertainer best known for his national radio and television shows between 1937 and 1971, especially as host of the television program The Red Skelton Show.
There’s gene rations younger than I am who have never heard of Skelton. Those of us who do were blessed.
I came across his jokes about marriage often highlighting the humorous side of marital life, emphasizing the importance of laughter, patience and understanding in a successful relationship.
For your entertainment, I present his “Secrets to the Perfect Marriage.”
• Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
• We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
• I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
• She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
• My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”
• She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
• She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”
• Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was ‘Always.’
• I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
• The last fight was my fault, though. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”
• I remember the first time I cooked for my wife. I burned the toast. I set off the smoke alarm. And when I opened the front door, the fire department rushed in!
• The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it
once.
• They say love is blind. Marriage is the eye-opener.
• Marriage is an institution where the man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s
• For our anniversary, I took my wife to dinner. She loved it so much she wants to go again next year.
• A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
• My wife told me to take out the trash. I said, ‘You cooked it, you take it out!
• A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
He always ended his shows with, “Good night and may God bless.”
• Rick Head is the Publisher and Editor of The Brantley Beacon and the Waycross Journal-Herald. He can be reached at [email protected]
