To many people in the South, the worldwide-accepted seasons of Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter do not exist.
In their world, there are two seasons of the year: Football season and Football Recruiting season (also throw in Hunting season for some).
The months between March and August don’t really matter to these folks. Those are, of course, the hibernation months.
This seasonal variance is not by choice. Like other uncontrollable illnesses, such as not being able to wash dishes or not being able to put down the toilet seat, it’s caused by a mutant gene that some people are born with. Science has found no cure, nor are they looking for one.
It’s just something these poor people have to cope with one day at a time.
With the football season now upon us, I have, in the interest of relationships everywhere, compiled a list of tips to help these folks’ seasonal illness be less painful.
One note: For the sake of brevity, I may use male personal pronouns (he, his, etc.) for this exercise, but this ailment actually affects folks of all genders and persuasions. So, please understand these usages aren’t due to me being sexist or bigoted. Just lazy.
That understood, for the sake of kindness, if you know a person that suffers from this glorious ailment, follow these simple rules and wait for March:
• If he is in the backyard and the television in the den is on, that doesn’t mean he’s not watching it.
• Commercial breaks were made for a purpose.
They are the perfect time to ask questions, say what you need to say, or get something to eat or drink.
• ESPN has a program that comes on Saturday morns called “College GameDay.” It’s sort of like church – not to be interrupted unless the house, or this person’s clothes, are on fire (shoes don’t count).
• A hot dog and a Coke at a ballgame does, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
• Also, dining etiquette is barred during football season. Paper plates in front of the TV are perfectly fine.
• As decided by the 1979 U.S. Supreme Court ruling, Men of the World vs. Mrs. Johnson, furniture is not be moved at any time during football season.
Sorry, it’s the law.
• Remember: The way you wear a hat does affect the way a team plays football.
That also applies to where you sit during a game. And what shirt you’re wearing.
• By all means, do not misplace the remote control. This could cause hallucinations and uncontrollable drooling in some subjects.
• In recent years, college football has expanded its schedule to televise games on Thursday and Friday nights. Please don’t schedule anything after 6 p.m. on these evenings.
• The NFL plays on Sundays, Monday and Thursday nights. Please don’t schedule anything after 6 a.m. on these days.
• For those reasons, lawn mowing on Wednesday night at 10:30 p.m., is perfectly acceptable during football season.
• When planning an event during the months of August-January, consult the Phil Steele College Football Preview magazine to determine if there are any football contests that day.
• Do not assume your football fan is not interested in the Bowling Green-Akron game on Thursday night at 9:30 p.m. on ESPN 8 (“The Ocho”).
• Len Robbins is the editor of The Clinch County News. He can be reached at lrobbins@clinchcounty news
