Normally, I am very ready for the holidays to be done and the year to see itself out. This go around I’m not in that much of a rush. These warm, cozy feelings are welcome to linger as long as they can. All things considered, it was a good year. So good in fact, that I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop.
My wife and kids are doing well, barring the usual ups and downs of life. I walked in my college graduation with my family cheering for me. I signed on to write for The Blackshear Times and was given a weekly column with which I can ramble about whatever pops into my head, which is why you are even reading this.
Yes, the bathroom floor caved in. Yes, one of the tires on my truck exploded. Yes, the truck needed a new starter. Yes, I’ve had to get physical therapy for my arm. Yes, there have been all of those and the thousand other little curveballs life throws at you. I already barely remember most of them. By this time next year they will be lost to the dim mist at the back of my mind.
The inconveniences and pitfalls are all temporary things, just like everything else, including the accomplishments and bright spots. Everything has its moment. You can’t really hang onto any of it, so you have to let it flow through you. That is what I’m trying to do these days, to experience and accept the flow of things, good and bad.
After all, more than anyone, a sci-fi junkie knows a jedi’s strength flows from the Force!
Even so, I can’t help but worry a little. Human nature, pesky thing that it is, makes me fret about things I have no control over. The crazy roller coaster that was my upbringing taught me that any windfall or spot of luck was usually followed by an equivalent or greater disaster of some sort; one step forward and two steps back.
I feel happy now, and that is a weird, nervous feeling for me.
That isn’t to say, I have never been happy before now. My wedding day, the birth of my children, graduation, and other memories are all very bright spots. I think it is finishing college and the new job that has me on edge. Those were always the two elements conspicuously lacking in whatever formula is needed to generate contentment.
I didn’t go to college when I was a kid. I never truly extended myself mentally and intellectually. And my jobs? Woof, the less said the better. Two decades of retail torture periodically punctuated by backbreaking labor.
Now that I have a degree and am doing work I actually believe in, something that feels like it nourishes my soul, I’m afraid. It took longer than it ever should have to crawl up to this modest pinnacle in my life. It is all I can do to not tumble back down again.
But maybe the other shoe doesn’t have to drop? Maybe I can stand on this tiny mountaintop, one leg in the air, and just balance? I’ve never been much of a dancer, but I have pretty good balance and reflexes for a man my size, so that’s what I intend to do. I’m going to balance on this mountaintop come hell or high water.
When the next gust of crazy wind comes barreling through my life I’m just going to try letting that strength flow through me: My wife squeezing my hand. My kids running up to me the second I came in the door. My sisters laughing. Kind words. Knowing glances. Sharing what can be shared. Saving what can be saved. The sense of purpose my family and my work provide.
The past is weighted with sorrow and the future looks grim, but those are thoughts for another time. I’m tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m going to just keep hopping along on one foot from mountaintop to mountain top.
